so I haven't written in a while because of a lot of emotional stuff going on and I am not ashamed to say I was in a hospital for a little while, it was tough admitting I had a problem but them again I feel good I was able to do something about it rather than harming myself, my depression has been really bad for years and after my Grandaddy died I kind of lost it, I also had the added affect of losing my Nana previously, having a small family it was a huge shock, my Grandaddy was more like a father to me given my Dad is MIA most of the time, I have an amazing Godfather but he is busy with work a lot, so in a since I was kind of fatherless when Grandaddy died. Given I have a huge amount of pride I kinda just shrugged the negative thoughts aside and went along with the notion I was fine. I ended up on new meds to focus and I don't really know how it happed but last July I downed four bottles of pills and nearly died. Why write this out for other to see, I want people to know who are feeling suicidal or feel like they have lost everything that there is hope if you look in the right places, the first hospital I went to was a living nightmare that I really wish not to go into but the second one that I was in recently really opened my eyes to there is help out there.
the atmosphere of the hospital is actually calming, and religious which to say regretfully I had shunned religion aside thinking God didn't care if I had feelings like i had and my whole life seemed to cascade into a disaster of events. I could not have been more wrong, God tends to make life interesting and a puzzle, you can either place the pieces of life into a half hazard mess, or you can rearrange them into something that makes sense and deal with things head on. I was the first option most of my life. I didn't care enough about myself and chose to shy away from my family and was always there for my friends, my moods became unbearable to be around and I treated my mother horribly, in short I was a raging bitch that plowed through life like I couldn't care less what people thought eff them. That was until I kind of got a crash course in reality check. God lets you fall sometimes to let you see you really don't have it as bad as you thought and there is always someone out there that would love to be where you are.
The reality hit when I was in the hospital this time, people who will never know what its like to go to college or hold down a job, people who are in out of hospitals like it was going out of style, and them the ones who seem hopelessly lost in the turmoil of their own mind. i felt ashamed the way I had behaved and the stupid excuses I made. It was a huge wake up call when in group everyone joined and spoke up, their dreams and what they wanted were amazing, music therapy was beautiful when we sung about thing we all wanted, the answers were, hope, to be a better person, to get well, and mine was to find an identity. I was amazed how people from all ethnic backgrounds could band together and form a unity without, racism, judgement, or hate, it was like a family each helping each other in their own way, the alcaholic, the bi polar, depressed, schizophrenic it didn't matter it was a pact to get out and do better, the focus was on love, healing, and friendship.
I learned life is funny and it throws harballs but every once in a while you see something beautiful, like a mothers love, or unity of friends, the power of human lives being touched by a simple gesture or act. I learned all of that in those three short days and learned that I don't need to be ashamed for who I am and what I have, but to embrace it and do something about it, and maybe if somebody reads this they can look around and hopefully see sometimes you need to stop, listen and look around.
sorry for the long speal and no I will not become some religious fanatic just writing how I feel and what I learned. its just really cool and I thought I would just share. By the way my name is Amanda, I am Bi-polar, and I am now loving myself and life hear me roar!! (ok maybe that was a little dramtic)
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