Another doctors appointment later today and my episodes since the last visit have not been good, I have been back to the irritability and night terrors, I have gotten to where sleeping is a battle of will within myself, wondering is it going to be peaceful rest or displays of horrid disturbance. Dreams of good and bad have been a part of me since a child and mostly bad or just plain horrifying dreams are more pronounce. It's very exhausting I am coming to hate myself more and more as this journey goes along and then again hope is the only thing I have left to go on.
A night terror is a dream that goes beyond just a simple nightmare, more of a nightmare that sticks with you and can determine your mood the rest of the day, it can either make you paranoid or angry, I usually don't remember the dreams but rather the feelings that come from them. Last night I woke up abruptly to the sound of screaming and my body in a fetal position with my mouth open as if I was yelling myself but no noise accompanied the action. I have had these dreams since a child, sleep walking, sitting strait up, being in a state of shock wasn't unusual. I would have dreams that repeated themselves for years and nothing made sense about them at all. Just another thing I live with.
Irritability has almost become a personality trait, the littlest thing can usually set me off and I have to remove myself from the situation, I have never really gotten violent with anyone, except the time I slammed a girls head in the locker in fifth grade (she deserved it) I had been quiet for almost a year as she completely pissed me off and I finally broke, other than that i think I am pretty calm.
Nervous ticks are a huge problem for me, I think I have already talked about them but they are a part of me so much if I had the choice to get rid of them I wouldn't they are a part of my identity and that is one thing I struggle the worst to figure out is who an I really.
I am actually typing this to avoid sleep and it's really not working, I am trying desperately to make this sound intelligent and find I keep repeating myself and spellcheck is getting a helluva workout so I will make a post a little later.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
A Long Road Ahead
So this is the blog of an uncertain travel I am about to embark on. For years I have struggled with Mental Illness and understanding what is going on with my mind. Recently symptoms and nervous habits were getting worse and the discovery of hallucinations became a terrifying factor on the road i am about to travel...
The road I mean is the one that leads to recovery. I am a very headstrong person who thinks it is a weakness to talk about anything wrong, especially when my mind seems to consider it being seen as a burden placed on someone. I have always suffered from depression and extreme cases of paranoia and anxiety. i.e. someone hurting me or the constant fear I might do something stupid in front of someone. The condition of my mind deteriorated at an alarming rate with the illness and death of my grandparents who were both stricken with cancer. I became angry easily and became violent to myself (cutting and a almost sucessful suicide attempt). It was destroying my relationship with my mom as she didnt really understand my actions, she has worked with mentally ill for years but wen it is your own family that's when the line from this is your job to, wow this is here and now sets in. Denial on my part was huge, No one wants to admit they are losing control. It's very terrifying and a hard pill to swallow.
The road I mean is the one that leads to recovery. I am a very headstrong person who thinks it is a weakness to talk about anything wrong, especially when my mind seems to consider it being seen as a burden placed on someone. I have always suffered from depression and extreme cases of paranoia and anxiety. i.e. someone hurting me or the constant fear I might do something stupid in front of someone. The condition of my mind deteriorated at an alarming rate with the illness and death of my grandparents who were both stricken with cancer. I became angry easily and became violent to myself (cutting and a almost sucessful suicide attempt). It was destroying my relationship with my mom as she didnt really understand my actions, she has worked with mentally ill for years but wen it is your own family that's when the line from this is your job to, wow this is here and now sets in. Denial on my part was huge, No one wants to admit they are losing control. It's very terrifying and a hard pill to swallow.
Today marks a milestone, the first time I have seen a psychologist in a while, well years. I have struggled with trust and finding someone who didn't make me feel like a failure, for once it was a possible breakthrough to finding what is truly wrong. Today after assessment it seems to finally have a name, Bi-Polar, most shun that name and possibly even fear it, I find it fascinating and embrace it. Its a name, a label perhaps, but a promise that it can be treated. Russle Brand, Nicola Pagett, Van Gogh, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Stephen Fry, all have or believed to have Bi-Polar, I find it a gift with the aid of the substantial curse that follows. Art has always been a guiding light to calm the rapid storms that break the calm in my mind, drawing feverishly or painting for hours was soothing in the realms of mania. I had thought my actions normal thinking I had found my *groove* or inspiration, turns out it was just mania fooling me into thinking I was the next Picasso I can barely draw a tree.
So now it comes down to the testing and the thoughts of doctors who are going to find it challenging to treat me, after all I have had this my whole life and it has just now gotten to the point I cant control it anymore, When I started typing this I was relatively calm now I am extremely hyper and manic, barely able to spell words, my hands typing faster than I am capable, it's hell, its not me, Bi-Polar is like losing your identity when the mania hits so thank God for spell check, Why am I writing my darkest demons? Because I want to record my feelings of who I am, perhaps taking on the role of a teacher to someone as this carries on, my road, my dreams, the reason I keep going a strong thirst for knowledge a never ending quest for adventure, see what I mean about the gift with a curse.
To what keeps me *sane* (I am now shifting to being calm again for now) Music, Without it I would be nothing but a hollow corpse that can't feel, that and Anime (Japanese animation) are the things besides my art and photography that keep me grounded. When I began rapidly losing the things I loved rather by extreme cases of anxiety or my own pulling away I searched out help, I cannot express how much these things have saved my life over the years and the people who have been there are priceless in their caring and ability to be around me.
If you have ever been scared of losing control, or the best example is being in a car that randomly hits ice and starts spinning like crazy and then get back control till the next patch of nearly fatal disaster... You have felt a similar feeling of what I deal with daily, frustration so bad you want to scream, depression dreadful enough to contemplate suicide, along with the injustice of having that in the back of your head most of the time, lets not count out the paranoia and anxiety, the distrust of almost everyone around, trying to look normal when you look like a deer in headlights, twitching, wringing of hands, and breathing fast, I ask myself how the hell can I be fat?
Wrapping up this post I must say if you suffer, then put up a fight, only you can control your destiny and find your identity.
So now it comes down to the testing and the thoughts of doctors who are going to find it challenging to treat me, after all I have had this my whole life and it has just now gotten to the point I cant control it anymore, When I started typing this I was relatively calm now I am extremely hyper and manic, barely able to spell words, my hands typing faster than I am capable, it's hell, its not me, Bi-Polar is like losing your identity when the mania hits so thank God for spell check, Why am I writing my darkest demons? Because I want to record my feelings of who I am, perhaps taking on the role of a teacher to someone as this carries on, my road, my dreams, the reason I keep going a strong thirst for knowledge a never ending quest for adventure, see what I mean about the gift with a curse.
To what keeps me *sane* (I am now shifting to being calm again for now) Music, Without it I would be nothing but a hollow corpse that can't feel, that and Anime (Japanese animation) are the things besides my art and photography that keep me grounded. When I began rapidly losing the things I loved rather by extreme cases of anxiety or my own pulling away I searched out help, I cannot express how much these things have saved my life over the years and the people who have been there are priceless in their caring and ability to be around me.
If you have ever been scared of losing control, or the best example is being in a car that randomly hits ice and starts spinning like crazy and then get back control till the next patch of nearly fatal disaster... You have felt a similar feeling of what I deal with daily, frustration so bad you want to scream, depression dreadful enough to contemplate suicide, along with the injustice of having that in the back of your head most of the time, lets not count out the paranoia and anxiety, the distrust of almost everyone around, trying to look normal when you look like a deer in headlights, twitching, wringing of hands, and breathing fast, I ask myself how the hell can I be fat?
Wrapping up this post I must say if you suffer, then put up a fight, only you can control your destiny and find your identity.
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