not as well

Another doctors appointment later today and my episodes since the last visit have not been good, I have been back to the irritability and night terrors, I have gotten to where sleeping is a battle of will within myself, wondering is it going to be peaceful rest or displays of horrid disturbance. Dreams of good and bad have been a part of me since a child and mostly bad or just plain horrifying dreams are more pronounce. It's very exhausting  I am coming to hate myself more and more as this journey goes along and then again hope is the only thing I have left to go on.

A night terror is a dream that goes beyond just a simple nightmare, more of a nightmare that sticks with you and can determine your mood the rest of the day, it can either make you paranoid or angry, I usually don't remember the dreams but rather the feelings that come from them. Last night I woke up abruptly to the sound of screaming and my body in a fetal position with my mouth open as if I was yelling myself but no noise accompanied the action. I have had these dreams since a child, sleep walking, sitting strait up, being in a state of shock wasn't unusual. I would have dreams that repeated themselves for years and nothing made sense about them at all. Just another thing I live with.

Irritability has almost become a personality trait, the littlest thing can usually set me off and I have to remove myself from the situation, I have never really gotten violent with anyone, except the time I slammed a girls head in the locker in fifth grade (she deserved it) I had been quiet for almost a year as she completely pissed me off and I finally broke, other than that i think I am pretty calm.

Nervous ticks are a huge problem for me, I think I have already talked about them but they are a part of me so much if I had the choice to get rid of them I wouldn't they are a part of my identity and that is one thing I struggle the worst to figure out is who an I really.

I am actually typing this to avoid sleep and it's really not working, I am trying desperately to make this sound intelligent and find I keep repeating myself and spellcheck is getting a helluva workout so I will make a post a little later.